When unobstructed, love is easy to do and feel. Its existence drives us, and directing its course toward good is what we should all be aiming for.
Alas, love doesn’t always work this way; if it did, I’d have nothing to write about. So perhaps I should be grateful that love is more an error-strewn donkey’s ass than the proverbial roses-and-picket fences deal the media likes to portray.
To define things, this article is about romantic love. Yes, that cuddly rite of passage that’s supposed to fluff its lines only to then magically catch wind and sail off into a Polynesian sunset.
Who sold us these fairytales, anyway?
Love has a convoluted history that many don’t understand. The little I know frames romantic love as a relatively recent thing, unions and marriages before Romanticism being for the sake of combining resources and consolidating power. The idea of marrying someone for love was once considered outrageous, as who could possibly remain happy with only ONE OTHER PERSON to live life with?
Letting the past go and returning to now… LOVE. It’s sold to us to douse the harsh economic and social realities of 21st century living, it a veritable panacea employed to dispel doubt with fluffiness, replace pain with hope, and defeat uncomfortable truths with pictures of hearts, kisses and roses.
Great, eh?
It wouldn’t gain traction if it wasn’t. The problem is keeping the idea of romantic love going without resorting to suicidal thoughts when the dream doesn’t turn out rosy. I’m assuming this happens with around 95% of romantic love cases. A relationship inevitably turns sour, and in the process its participants devolve into unloved, rejected shadows of themselves only to quickly start dating again and settle for less than they’re worth.
Hey, I thought this article was about Loving Easily!?
It’s tough to love easily; I mean, by universal definition, love propagates through intensity, and communication is necessary to manage this intensity. Should communication channels change too much, too quickly, or dry up completely, a relationship will slide into the danger zone because its catalytic core is left unchecked. On the other hand, devoting TOO MUCH time to communication will also sink you, because most people simply don’t have the luxury of ONLY focusing on their romantic lives.
Thanks, love. So, how to love easily?
First, give your partner space. If you’re with someone who doesn’t give you space, leave them. They’re suffocating you and making their problems yours. If your partner gives you space… that’s good.
Second, realize that we’re all stupid and lazy and unhappy in our own ways. Once you accept this, tell your partner if you can (or cannot) accept their stupid, lazy, unhappy ways. If you can, keep going. If not, leave.
Third, life cannot always be about feelings. If you, your partner, or both of you are always on about your feelings, progress will be hard to come by. Perpetual emotional ping-pong wears people down, makes them resentful, and eventually kills them, because in the end it’s just unnecessary grief.
Fourth, anger is poison. If your partner is an angry person, leave them; their anger is THEIR problem, not yours. There are billions of nice, calm people in the world; why waste your life with an angry one?
Fifth, challenge is good. It helps you grow, anchors and guides you. But the challenge of constantly dealing with a partner whose cardinal disposition is to criticize everything is hell. Really, there is no point in dealing with this type of person, unless your plan is to die from the inside.
Loving Easily means to see clearly, speak cleanly, and dismiss openly. If you do care to settle with someone, be honest about the things you share. If you can both emerge from those emotional slugfests with your wits and respect intact, perhaps you’ve got something worth holding on to.